Sharpen your skills to deal with conflict

Children fighting on the playground, teachers struggling to control a difficult class, parents arguing about the time their teenager should be home, neighbour disputes over land boundaries or anti social behaviours, protests against tyrannical leaders – conflict happens.

Wherever people interact there will be conflict: it’s a dynamic and normal part of everyday life. Usually our disagreements and problems are quickly sorted out but some are not resolved quite so easily: situations can become fraught and tensions can quickly escalate and result in negative consequences for the disputants and for the whole community.

Conflict resolution skills

We all have to deal with conflict and the skill lies in how we deal with it to transform the conflict into an opportunity to make lives better and build positive relationships. These conflict resolution skills can work just as effectively in our families, classrooms and communities as they do in situations of extreme violence and war. They also work within ourselves which is where peace begins.

Conflict Resolution Education (CRE) is about learning to deal with conflict in a positive way: it is not about conflict avoidance or making light of complex and difficult situations. It is about understanding the nature of conflict and how human beings react to it. It is about learning that verbal and physical violence, while sometimes understandable, are abuses of power and a failure to respect the dignity of another human being.

Understanding the context
Additional leadership skills may be required to deal with conflict where one party has ‘the right’ to control and manage the behaviour of others, such as parents, teachers, employers, the police and the law courts. Getting cooperation and making your intentions and values clear are essential skills for leaders and those that impose discipline. 

Sometimes people assume power, like bullies and tyrants, and dealing with this form of conflict, may require different strategies.

Behaviours will not change until the causes of conflict are dealt with or until it is realised that a change of behaviour will meet the need without the associated costs. Whatever the type of conflict the cause is always to do with unmet needs such as security, respect, justice, recognition, inclusion and control. Behaviour is always governed by our own attitudes, thoughts, feelings and perceptions.  It is important to remind ourselves and teach out children that people will see things differently.

Many people enjoy the excitement and drama of conflict and do not understand when others fear and avoid it.

“There can be few tasks more important to our society than teaching young people creative and non-violent ways of handling conflict,” Lampen and Lampen (1997).

Skills to deal with conflict
Start with yourself: develop your thinking skills. As Gandhi said: “Be the change you want to see in the World.”

If you want a compassionate, caring community then you have to be compassionate and care for yourself and others. It is important to understand that the only person you can really control is yourself and that can be very difficult when you are in emotional turmoil.

So step back, breathe, and observe your emotional reactions to the threats to your well being, property or status, and the very human desire to be ‘right’ and to punish the ‘wrong’. Understand that there are always two sides to every story and that people are very different in all sorts of ways for all sorts of reasons. Picture the consequences of the conflict escalating and imagine the lasting damage it could do to your life and the lives of those involved.

Decide if this situation needs to be confronted or ignored, consider your options. Don’t just react but make a thoughtful choice as to how to behave.

Is it OK to hurt someone who hurts you first? Do two wrongs make a right? These are fundamental questions that need to be considered if people are to move away from techniques to deal with conflict that so blatantly do not work  in the long term.

Non alienating communication
Watch out for any aggressive body language: towering over someone, arms folded, hands on hips, finger wagging, angry facial expressions. Speak only in the first person, express the facts of the situation, what you are feeling, what you need and why. Avoid accusing, blaming, judgements or arguments.   

Recognise the problem and ask to talk for a while without getting into rights or wrongs.

Listen in such a way as to really get what is being said. Take in body language and tone of voice. Concentrate on what is being said with compassion and empathy. Listen for the feelings behind the words. Don’t interrupt. Don’t fill your mind with what you are going to say next. If the other person is rude, accuses or blames try to avoid reacting.

Reflect back what you think you heard. Check out that you have got this right. Invite the other person to check out what they have heard from you.

Work together
Work together to identify the problem and ideas to solve it. Leave aside your position and check out the interests and needs of both sides. Try to find some common ground and build on this. Acknowledge the differences. Creatively brain storm and use solution focussed ideas to find a win-win agreement where nobody feels like the loser or leaves feeling humiliated.

Plan how this can be practically implemented and plan what to do if things don’t work out.

Find as least one quality in the other that you respect and appreciate and find the words to convey that. Many of the world’s worst conflicts and continued suffering have been caused by our inability to recognise others as human beings with feelings and needs just like our own. Forgive yourself and others when you don’t get it right and your best intentions result in failure to find a resolution. We are only human: few of us are saintly and these skills can take a lot to practise and perfect.

A whole school approach
There are a number of models for introducing and embedding CRE within the school. The most effective programmes combine action to support the whole school population, including adults, with specific targeted support for those with or at risk of developing problems in relation to conflict.

Schools adopting this approach become places where resolution techniques are modelled by adults and older pupils, where pupils are encouraged to talk things over and get problems sorted and where mediation and restorative support by adults or older pupils is on offer.

The challenge for schools then is to ensure that all their stakeholders, be they parents, governors, staff or students, all develop a shared understanding of conflict and identify the priority actions needed to develop a culture where people are not afraid to speak out if they have concerns. Problems are discussed and resolved rather than treated as personal insults. Everyone is taught to recognise bullying behaviour and how to deal with it assertively and where to seek the support they may need.

This whole school approach cannot afford to stop at the classroom door or the school gate. Parents, youth leaders and members of the community must be involved if the work in schools is to have a transformational impact. Our children’s education is not limited to the school curriculum and, just as schools cannot be left out of community projects, so the community should not be left out of school projects.

Peer support
Sorting out conflicts in schools can take up a lot of valuable teaching time and pupils and teachers who are upset by conflict find it difficult to concentrate and focus. More often than not, when conflict occurs between pupils, adults will intervene and make quick decisions that don’t allow young people the chance to sort things out themselves. Young people themselves may even invite this intervention by adults because it’s easier than practising challenging skills or because they feel threatened by the situation they’re in.

It’s important however that we give young people the training they need to resolve conflict and also the opportunity to practise the skills they’ve learned.

Peer mediation schemes are particularly important in supporting pupils with relationship difficulties and the peer mediators act as good role models for others. An active peer mediation scheme allows disputants to practise the skills of conflict resolution as mediators do not tell people what they must do but support people through the resolution process. Peer mediators are not expected to put themselves in danger, break up fights or deal with angry difficult people.

Pupils who are trained as peer supporters and who then volunteer their services and help others are engaged in Active Citizenship, a requirement of the Citizenship programme of study. A peer mediation scheme is a highly regarded Active Citizen Project and can be incorporated into Youth Achievement and Duke of Edinburgh Awards.

Employers are seeking workers who have a degree of emotional maturity and abilities to work well with colleagues and as part of a team. A certificate that shows someone has volunteered as a mediator will be an invaluable part of a CV.

We all have an identity in which to express ourselves and a social niche in which to succeed. Even the dunce, joker, bully or victim enjoys success of sorts. Providing children with positive roles, through student involvement and peer support schemes which are well supported by staff and pupils reduces the need to take on negative roles or belong to exclusive groups or gangs. A peer support service could include peer coaching, peer mentoring, peer tutoring as well as peer mediation. Many of the skills are transferable.

There are no easy, quick-fix answers to conflict resolution: a few conflict resolution lessons and a peer mediation scheme will not, on their own, transform the school environment into one of peace and harmony.  

But if we want to start creating a world with less suffering and happier relationships then we had best start somewhere.

About the author
CRESST is a small local charity based in Sheffield. It is dedicated to helping children and young people learn conflict resolution skills that can be used in their schools and communities. Case studies and further information can be found on the website. Cheryl Smart, the coordinator for nine years, also has a lead role in the Peer Mediation Network.

For more information
www.cresst,org.uk
www.facebook.com/cresstsheffield
admin@cresst.org.uk